Diary

It has occurred to us at THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN that following a mammoth exercise into researching other similarly themed web sites that it would be more than appropriate at this time to insist that CARDIACS present an online diary whilst ensconced upon their duties as a recording band. This, we are sure, will give us all an insight into the workings of a disciplined and hard working band along with some very personal views of life in the heady world of pop.

To ensure there will be no tomfoolery or other high jinks associated with such an endeavour the entries will NOT be made available to any of the band members until publication on this page so ensuring Cardiacs complete immunity from internal retribution and therefore a complete freedom to speak their mind with impunity.

It is with great pride that we have installed an electronic word encryption machine within the confines of our chosen workhouse and will strive to bring you their daily entries on a monthly basis.

If this proves, as we feel it must, to be a helpful and successful endeavour then we will insist that further events in our calendar are subject to the same conditions for publication here.

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Jan 6th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Hello. This is a strange thing to do. A diary. I don’t see the point myself but we have been told to do it so do it we will and best we can. I’ve got nothing to say now though so I wont go on and on. Maybe later I’ll add something if anything crosses my mind because nothing is crossing my mind right now at this time.

Entry 2. something just crossed my mind. You know how annoying it is when somebody wont ever be quiet? That’s happening right now! We are all at Apollo 8 recording some new tunes and all Babba has done is sharpen a penknife on a sharpening stone really loudly. For some reason no one is speaking today but Babba wont shut up with his penknife and sharpening stone. He says he needs it sharp to help set up his drumset but I know this is rubbish!

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hey diary! I like this idea of a diary for our loyal fans to spy on. We can all have our say at last. We have been told not to write too much, just some informative snippets. I wonder what the others will say about me? Tim got really annoyed with Babba a little while ago, I thought he was going to kill him. This will be my first recording with Cardiacs and I’m hell of an excited. I feel so lucky, Cardiacs is my FAVE group. Babba is refusing to add to this diary at the moment. He’s busy with his knife and sharpening stone but I think he’s in a funny mood as well. I’m not sure if anyone has told Jim about this diary, they never seem to tell him anything, which I don’t think is fair. I’d tell him myself but I don’t want to get involved in that side of things.

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Jan 7th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Woke up again but didn’t think I was awake until a bird made some noise and it really put me in a bad mood. I don’t like to shout but I shouted, not at the bird but at the floor. It made my neck hurt which put me in a mood that was much fouler I think. Then something cheered me up and the day went quite well after that until 4-o clock when I spitted out a pip from a lemon I was eating through some cloth. The pip went on the floor. That was it. Back to bed for me. If you can call it a bed.

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Jan 9th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I hate today. I hated yesterday as well. I did like the day before though but I can’t remember why. Oh yes I can, it was a good day because all of the sand that was beginning to heap up got moved a bit by the spade that was left in Mr. Corbin’s bumming shed.

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Jan 10th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Its funny writing diary notes for other people to read. I think it’s rude and intrusive to read this and you’re probably thinking ‘why write this then?’

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Jan 11th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Everything is so beautiful now as it always has been for all time ever in the world ever. There is no point in ever asking what it is that makes dirt not so filth slipped and pipped and I am sure that when a song wot we like gets played on someone’s radio set like that song who whatshisname did, I cant remember who, but out it came of the radio set and someone shouted ‘turn that thing down I cant hear myself even think!’ and we all laughed because it wasn’t loud, just very very shrill and my head ached so much from it that I stopped laughing and went away.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Had another telegram from The ‘you know who’ concern. It wasn’t even delivered to the door like it was suppose to have been. It was left at the bottom of the descent. I don’t think they want me to play in Cardiacs any more. I don’t think they wanted me to play in Cardiacs in the first place. If Cardiacs had a say in this I think they would rather I didn’t play music with them either. I love my expensive guitar. So white. No one else takes any notice of it. Sometimes I put it on a chair, like it was a person and when anyone comes into the room I say something like “Hey check out my new axe, it’s a fucking gem”. Tim always uses cheap copy guitars anyway and I don’t think he knows what an expensive guitar is. Jim deliberately smashed a plate on the ground this morning. All the pieces are still there.

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Jan 12th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. We had a band practice today. I used my expensive guitar. I think we practice far too loud sometimes but Tim says we have to otherwise we can hear what we are playing. I liked Tim yesterday but I don’t like him as much today. I don’t care if he reads this either because he always says bad things about me AND to my face. Babba turned into ‘uvver-babba’ as well which I am not keen on (‘uvver-babba’ is what Babba becomes in an instant for no real reason that I can see, sometimes it happens if he has an alcoholic drink…OR TWO!) anyway ‘uvver-babba’ went all strange and upset everyone’s applecart. Everyone wanted to go to the pub after playing only one song. I wanted to play my expensive guitar. They only get thrown out of the pub anyway even before they have had even one drink. It’s always a wasted journey. It’s pathetic. Anyway that’s when Babba ‘turned’ and upset the taxi driver as well. He pretended to be an abomination in the eyes of God and called the moon a Gollywog and started singing ‘I Know What I Like in your wardrobe’ by the group Genesis while he slapped his own legs spitefully. Everyone else was just quiet. I caught the driver’s face in the mirror and his glance suggested that this was all my doing as much as Babba’s, which I think was really unfair, I made a real effort to talk to him but his grunts confirmed the damage had been done. I don’t even really like Genesis…. Not as much as Babba anyway. I went to bed when we got back to Apollo 8.. (if you can call it a bed).

Jim Smith
Entry 1. The heart is a fortress. Who knows what secrets she keeps? The pulse in her battlements, the relentless pounding beat in her turrets. Hostility is met with arrows of distrust, but with pure motives and clear intentions the drawbridge can be lowered.

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Jan 14th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Tim says he thinks the new tunes we are playing remind him of muck. I think it’s his way of saying that he doesn’t like them anymore. He’ll change his mind tomorrow. He always does.

Bob Leith
Entry 1.. Heyyy it’s Babba. Tappa-tastic fuck a balls etc etc. Fucking stupid diary..,’//

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I think there are worms at the core eating away at everything that ever gets done by anyone. Jim upset me today. He didn’t actually do anything but By Christ he upset me big. I used restraint as he is very very strong. I kept on wishing out loud that the bloody sun would stop shining in my eyes and Kavus ‘clever cloggs’ Torabi ‘suggested’ that I close the curtains! Well what do you do about that kind of behavior? Do as he asks? I think not! Because this diary is purely for our loyal fans to be interested in let me put this image into your minds…the next time you see him playing his expensive guitar on stage with Cardiacs just imagine his expression when he mentioned the curtains, all full of himself and pleased with himself. So much so that he had to leave the room and go and ‘relieve’ himself in the bathroom, if you can call it a bathroom.

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Jan 15th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. If Jon Daniel ever rests his ‘packet’ on my knee while he’s talking to me again I will be very very angry. (for our loyal fans who don’t know who Jon Daniel is…Jon Daniel is our tour manager, our ‘dad’… he’s not actually our dad as in ‘father’ but he is our dad). He always rests his penis and testicles on your knee while he speaks to you. Not naked of course, but you can feel it through the shorts that he always wears. None of us are keen on this habit. If you point it out to him he just says ‘it’s nice’.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Jon Daniel was around today, he’s really nice. He came in all close to me and we talked about when we were at school. He is the sort of man who made my school days unpleasant but when he sits so close it’s like getting an apology. I wish he’d come around more often as, to my mind, it lightens the atmos, he wears shorts and plimsolls and has a big squashy face that I want to pet when it smiles. Ah, Big Jon Daniel. When he writes his name he puts a diagonal line through the O of Jon. He says it is because he is a punk rocker, but he doesn’t look like one to me. He was here because Tim and I had to do an interview for some Spanish magazine. We had to be on our best behavior. We always have to be on our best behavior when we do an interview. Alberto the interviewer was nice though but Tim made me sick.

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Jan 16th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I saw my brother with no clothes on today. I never ever want to see that again. I don’t know what he was thinking. I am only telling you this so as to hurt him. And it’s Sunday! Did some more work on ‘newy’ (working title) today. Had to overdub some more drums because Babba only had one stick when we recorded them last time. He thought it wasn’t fast enough. I told him it’s as fast as nature intended. That shut him up. Anyway it went quite good. He behaved himself throughout and even did a little spit on the floor at the end. He got a respectful round of applause from the others (not me) and this made ‘uvver-babba’ appear. (briefly). I keep on going from thinking the new tunes are muck to thinking the new tunes are spangles. Then we went to the pub but they wouldn’t let us in.

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Surely can me love to it good have stiffy…I tie crayon to it and elbow and be gone x

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Babba was recording some drums today and when Tim tried to tell him to hit them harder the walkie-talkie was too loud and Babba couldn’t hear him. When I listened back to the recording there was a howling walkie-talkie feeding back all over the drum parts. I gave Tim a look that conveyed “That’s not how you record drums, that screeching racket ruins what might have been a good song”. Tim just gave me a look back that said “It’s meant to go like that and what the fuck would you know anyway cunt”.
He’s never called me names to my face but I think he’s biding his time.

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Jan 21st 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Tim has really annoyed me again. He is so selfish. He is working with another band mixing their songs in the studio with Christian Hayes who is suppose to be ‘producing’ it. The band are called ‘Pinhead Nation’ or something. It’s really getting on my nerves.
Christian used to play the guitar in Cardiacs before me and before Jon Poole. I’m wondering if this is why he won’t look me in the eye.

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Jan 23rd 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. This is ridiculous! How am I ever suppose to sleep or do ANYTHING with all the noise coming from the studio! All they seem to be doing is shouting at each other about I don’t know what! Pinhead Nation sound like rockabilly all wrong and all gone to the dogs!

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Jan 25th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. They are still here.

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Jan 27th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. They are still here…I can’t stand it! If I was allowed I’d get out of here and let them get on with it. But who says I’m not allowed?? NO-ONE! But I feel I’d better stay. Yesterday was a bad day but I won’t go into that.

Entry 2. THEY HAVE ALL GONE HOME! Maybe now some people might pay some attention to ME!

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Been mixing Pinhead Nation with Christian Hayes who produced it. They started it 10 years ago and thought they might as well finish it for some reason. It’s great. Coming out on super CDs soon. A great big old angry black man came in and added some trombone earlier. I’ll play it to Kavus later. When he gets sleepy. See what he thinks. The others won’t be interested. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else apart from me put anything in this diary yet.

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Jan 29th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I’m off singing tonight with the North Sea Radio Orchestra. I sing like an angel in the choir. We are playing a concert in Oxford. In case some of our loyal fans don’t know what that is I’ll explain…hold on…/;.

Entry 2. …something very ugly just happened but I won’t go into it. The North Sea Radio Orchestra is an orchestra. It’s got Sharron (who sings with Cardiacs sometimes) and James and Richard Larcombe from ‘Stars in Battledress’ and William D Drake who was in Cardiacs, and Mel from Sidi Bou Said who sings with Cardiacs sometimes and it’s all kept in line and written by Craig who was in The Shrubbies with Sarah Smith and Dominic Luckman who used to be in Cardiacs and they got loads of violins and cellos and percussions things and it’s all fucking far out and wh.;,’; …hold on…

Entry 3. this is ridiculous.

Tim Smith
Entry 1. Well hello diary! No one has done anything today, there is a heavy atmosphere.

Entry 2. So! I’ve finally seen someone else adding to this diary. I didn’t like seeing that at first. I felt betrayed. But I suppose it has to be this way. It was Kavus though. I wouldn’t leave him alone. I feel sorry now. He’s all full of himself today because he’s off singing in his posh orchestra. If we don’t start doing some recording soon we’ll be in trouble again.

Feb 3rd 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1.Babba has been helping me with writing words to the new songs again. He forces my mind to go to stupid places all the time. His words are a worry to me. They make me worry. I wish he’d buy his own pencil sometimes. After our compulsory Alphabet rest time I broke my own pencil into two pencils and from the kindness of my heart gave half to Babba and he lost it almost immediately out in the outside area.

Bob Leith
Entry 1. I was allowed to drum on my drum drums till the early hours last night. I didn’t get a bed until about 5am. I got up at 7am and had EXTRA big breakfast lumps. Tim in a rotten mood about a pencil. Like I gived a fuck. Fucking idiot. I don’t care if he read this and a I know he knows I don’t either. We suppose be recording some more drums today cos he said I played them like ‘a miniature idiot’ last time. I play them as badly as I can today. Let him put that in is pipe an smoke it!

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Feb 5th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I am really tired today, we were up very late recording the drums and Babba was magnificent! He sweated far too much for someone his size and the room smelled foul. I was so pleased with him that I personally wrung out his wet shirts. I did this outside because it would be far too unhygienic to do this indoors. Another problem happened with the equipment again so we’ve got to do it all over again later on. Babba has disappeared though. I’m waiting for him now. He has been gone a long time. Kavus is sitting on the other side of the room watching everything I do. I’m not speaking to him today. We’re going to play a tour in October I’ve just found out. We will play all the tunes we used to play when we were all very young, like we did a while back in London at the Garage. We want to play in all very small places. I think this will be a good thing to do. Kavus keeps on watching me. I’m choosing to ignore this as I chose to ignore an invitation to William D Drakes birthday occasion tomorrow.

Jim Smith
Entry 1. Selfishness is the enclave of the needy.

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Feb 11th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Something has upset Jim today. But REALLY upset him.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hey, I didn’t get out of bed until 8 O CLOCK! But I did because I was very hungry. When I did arise I refused any lumps of food on principle. I can’t think of much to write at the moment. Nothing has really happened. It’s just that the only people contributing to this diary seem to be me and Tim. I don’t think I’ve seen Jim or Babba write anything. None of us can see what’s been written by each other until it goes ‘on view’ to our loyal fans. I hope they’re not mucking about too much. I think this is serious and I will be gutted if they abuse this opportunity. I haven’t played anything on these new recordings yet. Tim keeps saying that my turn will come and I must beware. He always gives me all the tricky bits to play. This is why I bought an expensive guitar. I just wish he’d understand that. He gave me a filthy look yesterday.

Feb 13th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Jim is being very strange. Something has rattled his cage. His thumbs are so small! I did see him smiling at the ground earlier though but this isn’t necessarily a good thing. Tim just saw me writing in this diary and seemed to get quite annoyed. It’s not as if I am needed at the moment either! I’d better get off now because he is hovering over me. I think he wants to write something.

Entry 2. …Hi, it’s Kavus again. (later this day) He didn’t write anything! He just seems to want to stop me from doing anything! I watched him and he didn’t write anything! He just pretended! He’s suppose to be working and he just pretended to write something! Babba was waiting for him for ages! I am keeping my eye on Tim. He doesn’t know it but I am. I watched him through the crack in the door. Jim seems to have perked up a bit. He said something in one of his funny voices. What he said wasn’t very funny, not funny at all, but it was one of his funny voices. No one laughed. I don’t think he expected anyone to laugh. He needs to shave his head again I noticed. Apparently its something that Tim used to insist on doing but he stopped when it dawned on him that a living brain was beneath the flesh. Had to do an interview for a magazine in Barcelona today. Did it with Tim, oh and we were on the radio as well playing some songs we recorded live for a session in Sheffield while we were on tour with our friends The Wildhearts. During the session Jim said something in one of his funny voices and it went out on air! No one laughed. I could see that Tim was furious. He took Jim to the outside area. Me and Babba posted the radio back to the Alphabet Business Concern and now it’s time for bed…zzz

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Feb 15th 2005

Jim Smith
Entry 1. The selfless walk a scented path.
The selfish trudge behind, plagued by ill weather and foul beasts.

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Feb 18th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I think everyone has given up with this diary. I haven’t seen anyone write a thing for ages and I am watching them closely. Tim recorded some guitars today. I noticed that he kept giving up because he couldn’t play the parts properly. So that’s where I come in is it? Babba told me to cut my hair. He said he’d do it. No way! Not him! Even if he does have his own scissors. I hate him today. He only wants to cut my hair because he is bald. Everyone is bald. Except Tim but he is Grey. Fat and Grey. Tim used to publicly abuse Jim because of his fatness but now he is fat too! How about that then! Fat and Grey! AND can’t play the tricky parts on his CHEAP guitars!

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Feb 24th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I have REFUSED to write anything in this diary until that band go home! That bloody Pinhead Nation have been in again for about a week! Honestly, it’s like I’m invisible! They leave all their oily plastic bags all over and never ask if it’s ok to use the rattling pan! Babba has gone AWOL again and Tim doesn’t even care. I tried to get Babba to write something before he disappeared but he just looked at me for what seemed like ages.

Entry 2. The Pinheads have gone home without saying goodbye. It turns out that Babba has left the country playing his drums with a group called ‘Blurt’. He keeps on doing this. Tim has got one ‘sort of’ expensive guitar but that’s only because it was given to him by Ginger out of The Wildhearts because Tim was stupid enough to have his stolen in Germany a few years ago. I wasn’t actually in the band then, I was their ‘guitar tech’. He tells everybody it was my fault it was stolen because I was supposed to be looking after it at the time.

Feb 25th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Why am I here at all? The only thing I have got to do is write in this fucking diary and only when I’m not being watched! No one is contributing! No one! I can’t even bring the subject up. Jim doesn’t know what I’m talking about and Babba is just being cruel. Every word I write is interspersed with me looking around to make sure I am not being watched so forgive my short entries please. Tim thought it would be a ‘great’ idea earlier to set up our gear in the outside area and run through what ‘we’ are suppose to be recording tomorrow. It took hours to bring all the equipment out from the studio into the outside area and then they wanted to go to the pub! Why? We weren’t allowed in as usual and the whole day was a waste of time.

MAR 7th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi…I have never been so tired in my life. Its 7am and I haven’t been to bed yet (if you can call it a bed) but finally I have something to write in this stupid diary. I have been recording my guitar parts all this time, non-stop. I wasn’t even allowed to have just ONE lump of food! Not one! And I had to do it all standing up! Tim won’t let me use any of my snazzy chords because they make him see unwanted colours, like the time I kept saying “believer’s roast” all day long and no one but me found it funny. When I cried at one point no one gave me any sympathy, and Tim laughed when I put on my expensive guitar! What does he know? At least I could play the tunes properly not like him. AND when he had to go over to clean Mr. Corbin’s bumming shed he wouldn’t even let me relieve myself in the bathroom! (in case I got ‘distracted’) that’s all I’ve got to say for the moment and I’ve got to get to ‘bed’ because we start again in an hour.

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MAR 12th 2005

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Aaaaaaaa Everyone is really getting at Jim because the bloke hasn’t added anything to this diary yet but I know he has because I saw him do it. But I’m not gonna say a word am I. Fucking little bifda. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuck

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I can’t go on like this. This is wrong.

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MAR 13th 2005

Bob Leith
Entry 1. I want them to read this! Them fukkking assholes!! I want them to see how much trouble they cause me! I’m playing a gig tonight with my Ted out of Blurt and will they let me leave? Will they fuckin Bollocks!! I’ve got to be in Brighton in a few hours and they keep saying I’ve got to do this and I’ve got to do that and saying ‘they won’t let you on the train looking like that!’ and all things like that! I hate them!! I’m just killing time now but I’ll be out of here soon like a bat outa hell when I get my chance. (Meatloaf’s Bat outa Hell)

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MAR 16th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Good morning diary. I had one of those nights last night. All through my sleeping hours I was tormented by sleeps. None of them would stay on me but all wanted to fight over me. They done battled over me. Bloody sleeps. What are they good for anyway. Nothing.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I am feeling so ill. I am so tired. But ths work hs got to be done. Babba is in the doghouse.

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MAR 17th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I think the recording is going well. Kavus is doing really well for a change. His expensive guitar is really good sometimes but I wish Kavus would stand like I ask him to. Kavus is a very good guitarist but he refuses point blank to take his hands out of his pockets when he’s not playing anything. This caused some bad feelings and tears nearly started because of this. There was some joy though at one point. When he played some chords really loud in one of the chorus’ it sounded so good that he started scissor kicking and jumping all around the live room as he played it. I let him have his moment but I will erase it all when I feel the time is right. He fell down clumsily after and laid staring and blinking at the wall. He’s losing his stamina. I think not letting him sleep will make him better.
Sleep is for slug-a-beds.

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MAR 18th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I think everyone is bored with this diary thing, no one is adding to it anymore. We were spose to do a concert this weekend in Pontins but it was blown out cos it was in Pontins holiday camp and we were going to be put in chalets. Why don’t we ever get given a holiday? I wanted to go to Pontins. Kavus sat at the bottom of the descent and I think he was blubbing.

Jim Smith
Entry 1. I am a real idit andd I like to snif f the ground with no c lothes on my person .

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. I feel I have to say this. I just watched as Tim forced Jim to write in this diary. It was ugly but I egged him on along with Babba and now I feel ashamed. Tim dictated what he wrote and it was all very noisy. It’s only fair though because we all contribute to it. I think Babba is writing more now from time to time.

MAR 19th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. It’s been a terrible day. We had our rooms inspected and the results were not good at all. We were all sent to the outside area while this went on. No one said a word and it was cold. Then we were told off because the first two months diaries were inspected and they said we were saying nothing of the recording and it made them suspicious. We have been recording. It’s just that there is nothing to say about it as usual and anyway, if we are recording then how can we find time to write in this stupid diary and I don’t care if they see this.

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MAR 25th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Pinhead Nation are back in mixing for a few days. It will give the others some time to reflect on how irresponsible they have been over the last week or so. Kavus is in a mood. He did something really pathetic and packed a bag but he didn’t have the courage to leave with it. It just sat on the foot-scrape mat by the main security door.

Entry 2. Kavus has vanished. Without his bag!

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MAR 30th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Kavus is in the doghouse! He swanned off to ‘produce’ another band called Jonny Four without permission and did it at a real swanky place as well! He did it at Jethro Tull’s old drummers studio in somewhere posh like Berkshire! The ‘powers that be’ are furious with him. As a punishment he has been told he will have to mix it here at Apollo 8 when the time comes.
Jim hasn’t come out of his room for days now.
Babba has built a go-cart out of cardboard boxes. He’ll probably tell you all about it if he hasn’t already.
It’s not very good though.

Jim Smith
Entry 1. A restful sleep is the privilege of an honest man. No challenge can be too great for him.
Night-harpies trouble only the vain and the drunk.

MAR 4th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. It’s springtime. It’s beautiful. Been in London for the past few days. Mastered the live recordings we did at the Garage in the Autumn of 2003 on Saturday and Sunday. Did them at James Larcombe’s studios. I didn’t let the fact that he didn’t even offer to take my coat ruin the lovely day it was. I so didn’t want to sit in a studio in London with someone like James (who sat and flinched at every tiny noise I made) anyway… all done now them albums. James did a smashing job in his funny way. He is a perfectionist. I saw him dig a pin into his own hand several times. He’d do this every time he made the slightest error. He didn’t know I saw him do it. But his wife Sarah saw him (but she just smirked to herself). Got back here (Apollo 8) about an hour ago. It’s very quiet. London was hot and busy. I had a great idea for a tune but it went away.

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Apr 5th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I don’t know where anyone is. I don’t know what to do.

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Apr 6th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Jim is not in his room. I can smell Babba but he is nowhere to be seen. I don’t care where Kavus is. The phone keeps ringing but I’m not going to answer it! It’s all tweeny doopers to me indoors.

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Apr 10th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I am starving hungry. I have had not ONE lump of food in days! I have been NOT writing in this diary as a matter of principle! Where is everyone?

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Apr 14th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. It’s Jim’s birthday. Everyone showed for that then. Except Jim. Babba and Kavus have been hiding in Mr. Corbin’s bumming shed all these days waiting to jump out and give Jim a birthday shock but Jim is no where to be seen. Kavus and Babba have had no lumps of food either for days and days. They are very weak. So am I. Everything is shit….

Entry 2. where are all the rabbits from? …from Warren STREET…where are all the rabbits from…? From warren STREET where are all the rabbits from…? …from warren STREET

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Baaaaaa Fucking stupid diary if anyone reads this can they feed me somethink… I’m starving and feel ill. Waste of time thinking about Jims stupid birthday shock. Just ONE lump of food. That’s all I want h j j

Entry 2. I gonna call this stupid computorr thing fred. Hello fred. ..you is my friend now because of it you ponce

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Apr 15th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Hello. Feeling so ill. Need to eat something and there’s still no sign of Jim. Kavus has just laid there facing the wall, he hasn’t even gone to bed (if you can call it a bed) I don’t know where Babba gets his energy. He won’t shut up. We can’t get on with any recording. Too weak to do anythin g.

Entry 2. we gave in and had some lumps of food but I’m starting to feel odd. Babba made it. He called it his ‘special fixer dish’

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Apr 17th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Feeling slightly better now, we all had terrible stomach cramps for the past few days and were unable to move. Babba moved more than me or Kavus but in an unhygienic and ‘too fast for his size’ kind of way. We don’t like it when he moves too fast. It’s not right. He looked stupid laying on the floor with his cramps making him snap open and shut like his scissors.

Entry 2. That band ‘Jonny Four’ that Kavus ran away with to record are in today to do mixing as part of Kavus’ punishment. Kavus was in a dirty strop because I sat in the posh studio chair and he had to stand up. He wouldn’t have stayed sat down for long anyway because he was strutting around proud as a peacock showing off in front of Jonny Four who just looked scared of him. He kept going on and on and ON about ‘bunging’ a microphone through a Leslie cabinet. He wore his fluffy white coat again. I think he looks nice in it.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. Johnny 4,…this band who’s album I’m producing… came down to Apollo 8. They’re only young and I didn’t want them to bump into Tim because I didn’t know what ‘mode’ he might be in. He sat at the foot of the descent in an ominous way. This band are skill. Sometimes I suggest snazzy chords for them to put into their tunes, and they thank me for it. Tim seemed to put up with them eventually, the way an old dog might put up with a kitten jumping all over it. But, like the dog, you never know when Tim will snap. I watched him all day as closely as I could. He gave me another ‘look’. The singing on one of the tracks is ace…just bunged a 58 through a Leslie. Babba says diaries are boring but what would he know? I said “Yeah? Well YOU’RE boring”. Why does everyone stare at me when I write something in this diary?? It’s suppose to be private surely?…that is until it’s up on the internet for our loyal fans to read if they are needing something to do. Something to pass the time away.

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Apr 18th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I’m going to say this! It’s 7.30am. Tim just drank a WHOLE bottle of whisky IN ONE GO! And it’s still morning! A big bottle! He’s probably going to be sick! How can he work like this? I don’t suppose he will. He’ll make US work. I’m going to refuse!…

Entry 2. Nothing has changed about him. He’s the same. But he stinks very awful. I’ll give him a cuddle in a moment or two…no…I’ll do it now! watch this space…!

Jim Smith
Entry 1. My loving brother Tim and whisky make a curious twosome. The voyage to a safe harbour may be tumultuous and stormy. The seaworthy soon find comfort in the idle lapping of lazy waves.

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Apr 19th 2005

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Kjkjdbss…you know when a day is full of wonderful wonder? And you wonder why? Today is one of those days. Baaaaaaaaaa… I’ve got such a lot to go on about but it’s hard for me to write on this thing. Everything is…I don’t know …full of something magical…everyone is in love…with everything… I don’t want to explain it. Kavus ran all the way to the end of the outside area and back over and over again until he fell flat on his tummy and we saw a baby bird. We didn’t do any recording today. I love this diary!! It feels like it’s my friend!! My friend who wears a yellow cloak and winks in a funny way. I found some notes that Kavus wrote on a bit of paper in private..it said this… “I do all funny jobs and it makes me feel warm inside. I want all my feels to always be this and I love the baby bird even though it struggled” and I hope to d -[st .

Jim Smith
Entry 1. Morning has broken…like the first morning…black bird has spoken…like the first bi

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Hello…my arms are not big enough to give all my best friends a special wet HUG! They are not big enough!! All the floaty things that are showered on us when we go strewed are as white as snow! (I caught some in my pocket!) I’ll send them to fr

Entry 2. I saw Jim writing in this diary! So he HAS been contributing! I didn’t mean it but I slammed the lid down on his tiny thumbs and ran off with the computer thing but it wouldn’t let me read what he wrote. It was inaccessible. But they are the rules. My spelling is perfect. And I DIDN’T break the computer thing. Kavus has put his white fluffy coat on again and wants a go on the diary now

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Ij and I dhdjdjkdkjdjskjkjbckjckjbjcdbwicjcbacjbcabcladjackcalkjc

Timmy Smith
Entry 3. Back again…I don’t know what Kavus just put in this but he just did his running up and down thing again laughing until he dropped onto the floor again. He’s just staring at the cup on the floor and breathing very heavily but I’m not worried about him. Jim and Babba are in the outside area making a lot of noise with a piece of hose and running around. They look very red. I’m going to go out there now.

Entry 4. We had the most super time! Running around shouting at nothing again and again and again. Up and down the descent. Kavus stayed indoors but he wasn’t being a spoil-sport. I’m going to give this computer thing one of my special BIG HUGS ////knkkkk ll;- __

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Apr 25th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I’ve been told off and I so fucking don’t care.
Had to do an interview with a magazine. The magazine is all about them Vampire things called ‘Bite Me’ magazine. What do they want with us? We don’t bite clean necks or go fly all around in the dark. Got Kavus to do it. It made me nearly vomit up puke when he put on his best behaviour. Jim’s a fucking idiot. Kavus told me to shut up when I was doing some singing. Babba is ‘uvver-babba’ again and upsetting everyone. Alphabet sent us a budgie and told us to take a photograph of it for the cover of our Garage concerts albums. A budgie? Bloody hell.

Entry 2. How are we suppose to take a picture of this budgie? What are we suppose to use? Alphabet didn’t even put any holes for it to breathe in the box it was posted to us in and it was shameful with detritus.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. I’ve just been watching a budgie flapping all about the place. It shat on the mixing desk. I’m not going to help catch it. Everything is shit and I don’t know why I ever wanted to join this ‘band’. It’s not what I thought it would be like. I thought I’d get to play my expensive guitar from time to time…running around after a budgie. I’ll feel stupid if I have to join in.

May 3rd 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. What a bloody week that was! Fucking budgie! We couldn’t go indoors all week because of it. Jim was too scared, Kavus just refused and Babba’s gone AWOL again (hell will be paid to him from the ‘you know who’ concern) I couldn’t go in because I had the wrong apparatus and everything is wrong! We got in this morning about 5am soaking wet, cold and hungry and fed up. And there’s budgie mess all over and all Jim’s seeds have been eaten by it’s beak. Why do we have to have a budgie on the cover anyway? Am I the only one to question this? The others don’t seem to care!

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. The studio is all covered in white bird ‘doings’. I’m going to put some dry clothes on and come back and tell our loyal fans, what happened in the week…

Entry 2. I might not be able to write for very long as there is a lot of shouting going on and it’s giving me a stressful headache. I might have caught a cold as well. They say feed a cold, but once again we haven’t been sent any lumps of food and all that’s left is one lump and it’s Babba’s… but Babba’s not here still. I might eat his lump later. I’ve got to! We’d been in the outside area for days with nothing to eat and wet clothes on which I am sure is quite unhealthy. I didn’t get involved, but it was all to do with that budgie. I’m not going to talk about that. I will talk about this though, my boys ‘Johnny 4’ are coming in tomorrow to do mixing again but it’s all white with toilet in there. All over the equipment and everything. I’m not going to clean it up!

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May 4th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I didn’t get hardly any sleep last night. Felt very ill. Dreamed I was the inside of a trumpet or something. Can’t really remember. Found one lump of food and ate it before I went to bed (if you can call it a bed). Kavus was busy scrubbing away at all the white lumps left behind by the budgie. The budgie has gone now. A man came with a camera and took a photo of it and left. The man was horrible. Jim posted the budgie back to Alphabet. I put holes in it’s little box and put some string in there for it to play with on it’s long journey home. We didn’t have any stamps so Jim drew one on. (quite well).

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May 6th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Parcel with lumps of food in has turned up!

Jim Smith
Entry 1. A gift received chases away the shadows that can be left by a weary day. A gift given banishes darkness from the heart for weeks.
There are youngsters here today.

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May 8th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Been mixing Jonny four with Kavus past few days. They’re all in a strange mood. All just sitting there as good as gold! Hardly saying a word. So is Kavus, he’s not strutting about like he does. He’s got his fluffy white coat on though. They seem like they’re up to something. There is mischief in their eyes.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I had a good thought this afternoon while Tim was attempting to get on the roof. I thought that if I were to stand up all the time I’d be offered a seat at some point by someone but I didn’t have to stand up in the end because there was a seat.

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May 9th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. The budgie’s back! We used the same box it was sent to us in and forgot to change the address. And we had to pay for it. I squeezed a small bit from a lump of food through one of the holes and went to find a pen so I could correct the address and when I got back the box had gone.

Entry 2. Jim’s only gone and fucking posted the budgie again. I just found this out and I hadn’t changed the address! I suppose it will be back here again in a week or so. Jim can pay this time but he hasn’t got any money so he’ll have to earn it somehow.

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May 10th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I didn’t eat today. We must do some more recording but none of us can be bothered. It’s one of those days. Everyone is fed up with life.

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May 20th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I have nothing to say. Nothing from this diary has appeared on the inter-web thing anyway apparently. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s all a cruel joke. Or a way of Alphabet keeping an eye on us again.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. The horrible look that Tim just gave me is worth making a note of in this diary. It was so horrible.

Entry 2. guess what? I was dragged down the pub again with the others and guess what? We were all turned away immediately and guess what? No one said a word. We all just got back in the taxi who hadn’t even turned around yet and came back here. It always happens so why do they bother? Jim has drawn all over the walls again. There will be hell to pay.

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May 21st 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Kavus has got into an irritating habit of holding up his middle finger at you when you speak to him.

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May 22nd 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I don’t understand this middle finger thing. I know I am not keen. If he keeps this up he’ll get another visit from Blake Shakey I am sure. I am suspicious because I have heard nothing from Alphabet in a long time. The last time this happened we got complacent. And then look what happened. Things are getting done bit by bit. Jim made the strangest noise by accident. That’s going on the album. If you can call it an album.

June 1st 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Well…it’s been a strange week or so. Some terrible things have happened. I don’t know what to say really.

Bob Leith
Entry 1. I am going to say something! It’s about time I fucking shed some light on the goings on around here! Those things that were sent to us through the post are not funny at all! I don’t even know if they were suppose to be funny. I never thought that I’d

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hey. Long time no speak. We’ve been told not to say much so I wont…nothing to say then…again things went ugly…but nothing to report.

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June 13th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I’ve just been woken up! It’s 5.30am! Banging and Banging and Banging on the door. After about an hour I got up and opened the door and this ‘lot’ all walked in like they owned the place and started looking around like they were looking for something we were hiding from them, no ‘hello’ or nothing! I offered one of them, a man, a flannel to freshen up with and he just glared back at me. They all did. I came in here, I can hear them now striding and stomping about the place. I’m going back to bed. (if you can call it a bed).

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. The Scaramanga Six all turned up today to do some recording. Bit of a surprise really. I’m in everyone else’s bad books like I give a fuck. They’ve brought an awful lot of clothes with them.

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June 14th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. It’s like we don’t belong here at all at the moment! I don’t think Tim has been to bed all night. He’s recording that lot who waltzed in yesterday and hasn’t stopped for a second. Me and Jim sat outside the studio door and he was the only one who never emerged. He can’t have even gone for a piddle. A man in a car delivered really posh food to them THREE TIMES yesterday and THREE TIMES today and someone else turned up with about fifteen pairs of womans shoes!

Entry 2. There’s a big pile of clothes left outside the studio door. Apparently they belong to one of ‘that lot’, one of the men. I think they told Jim to iron them because he’s been looking all over the place for one but we haven’t got one. He knows that! There has been an unusual silence about the place while this has been going on.

Entry 3. Well, one of them actually spoke to me. The ironing still isn’t done obviously but that was no reason to attack me with what I will only describe as ‘veiled threats’. He was so horrible to me. Horrible in a way I wouldn’t like to describe.

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June 15th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Tim still hasn’t come out of the studio. I bet he’s piddled his trousers. I hope he has. See how he likes it. I heard the other man shouting earlier. Shouting things I could never shout myself. Terrible things. More meals have just turned up, all covered with them silver lids and that.

Entry 2. They are called the Scaramanga Six this lot. The woman told me. I saw her in the outside area sorting through all the shoes and I crept up to her to talk to her. I thought she’d be friendly but she is the cruelest of them all.

Entry 3. They all just left. No “goodbye’s” or anything! The place looks bare now without all their lavish ‘artifacts’ all over the place.

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Kav is a really getting on my wick. All he bin doin past few days is hovering about outside de control room door listening and a spying an a hovering an a gettin on my wick

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June 16th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Tim looked ridiculous when I saw him swallowing and gobbling up lumps of food like there’s no tomorrow! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! He still can’t go to his ‘bed’ because it’s our turn to do recording now. It’s the law!

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June 20th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Cardiacs are the best band in the world.

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June 25th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I’ve only a second, but things are making some head-way! the tunes we are working on are our friends at last! At last! At last at last at last at last! One of them made Babba cry for ages! But for ages though. We could not make the idiot stop. He went all dry and couldn’t swallow. We thought he was ill.

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June 28th 2005

Jim Smith
Entry 1. Robert is very ill. Surely somebody will come to his aid?
A man with a crooked eye will see a crooked world.
Closing his eye he is immersed into a paintbox of sound.

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June 29th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Babba is very ill. We made him a bed in the outside area so we wouldn’t get his illness. The bed was beautiful and soft. Made all out of packets (used packets). I would have given my purity to have slept on that bed for just one night but did Babba appreciate this? NO! He lay there and blubbed all quiet to himself. (and did a little shit too)

Entry 2. Babba has a new name! “shittles!”

July 3rd 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. It’s my fucking birthday. That’s all I have to say because no one else will!

Entry 2. I just finished off a whole big bottle of whisky… all to myself…I bet the others have been writing mischievous tales in this diary all day because today has been a riot! I know they are all around here somewhere! (playing peek – a – boo I expect!)

Entry 3. WHY FUCK S WE NOT DO NIONE noWORK CUNTS

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July 23rd 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I am hungry. There is no one.

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July 24th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Is anybody reading this? I am strawfish. It is a great thing that things do this…what will straw be when I am an innard. I am an innard. I wont ev..;;

Aug 4th 2005

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Just plugged this computer thing back in de wall! Looks like it has been chucked around all over the place. Looks like everything’s bin chucked around the place. Wot shall I say…baaaaaaaaaaa. Said it. Big fucking deal…. karvous de poof has gone in to de quiet room to look around I will do t

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. God only knows what’s been going on in this place the past few weeks! It’s a bit scary actually.
I am going to bed. It’s late enough for night urchins to be up! I hate my bed. I hate being back here. It fucking stinks!
It stinks of eyes!

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Aug 5th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Pissing down rain. No sign of Tim. Don’t know what we’re doing here. I bet when you read this diary you have an idea of what it’s like here, well that’s what I used to think when I read all that stuff from the ‘you know who’ concern, but it’s not like that at all. I don’t think Cardiacs is my fave group any more. I can’t tell Tim yet but I told Babba as an experiment. He gave me a look that suggested my experiment had failed.

Entry 2. Tim’s back. He said he’d spent the last while down the descent. I think he is a liar. He doesn’t look very well and smells like a wet dog smells.

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Aug 7th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Had the Scaramanga Six here for the weekend recording some more of their album. This album will rule. Kavus is missing. I think he is jealous. Or he might be away recording with Jonny Four again. Who knows. Who fucking cares. Had a good idea for a song today but it went away.

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Aug 10th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I want to see what the others have written in this. We won’t see it until the internet computer website thing gets done. I bet they censor most of it. I wonder what the others say about me? It’ll be better than what I’ve had to say about them and that’s for sure. It annoys me that we can’t go back and change things if we want to change our minds about what we have just written. There was a black bug on my lap a moment ago. He flew off. There, what if that was a lie and I regretted it? (it wasn’t though). I’m fed up.

Entry 2. I’m not fed up any more. I wonder what will happen to the world when all the Bees go brown?
…where is everyone?

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Aug 11th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Where is everyone? The leak in the toilet (if you can call it a toilet) has gotten really bad now. It keeps me from sleeping. Plip plip plip it goes all day and all night plip plip plip plip plip plip. I shouted at it really loud last night (I knew it wouldn’t make any difference though and it didn’t) but I hurt my throat again. It’s about three inches deep in there now and smells very awful. I wonder where frogs and toads go to do their business? Probably in a pond or somewhere. Fucking cunts. I’m bored. I’m as bored as hell. I keep on thinking of ringing up someone to see what they think about anything but we are forbidden. I want to phone some one but I don’t know who do I. It’s not fair. It’s late though and they will be in bed probably having a restful snooze.

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Aug 12th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. The phone doesn’t work anymore.

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Aug 13th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I don’t think this diary thing is a good idea at all.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I’m back here now. Don’t know why. The phone has been smashed to bits and there is no food again. It’s a lucky thing I stopped the others from throwing away the parcel that Mary sent me. I found some chewing gum in there. She’s the only one who seems to like me. I used to have a group and play as many snazzy chords as I liked and sing and we all lived in a house together. They were the good days. Now it’s all stopped and I do this instead, not much of a trade off I reckon. Whenever Tim gives me a hard time, which is usually, I say to myself “Not much of a trade off I reckon” to make myself feel better. It’s good because he doesn’t know what I’m on about, but to be fair it doesn’t make me feel any better.

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Aug 16th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I don’t believe what I just saw! I’d just finished scrubbing under the filthy area and came back indoors to wipe myself clean and I saw Jim sitting on his bass. I don’t think he was even aware that it was there, or he was just too lazy to move it out of the way. The neck will be all bent now. A telegram came today for Tim from ‘them’. When he came back in after reading it his eyes were all red and his face was all wet.

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Hello. Today is the 28th anniversary of the death of our lord Elvis. I was gonna play something into my little recording device, just sort of made up with some singing, but honeyblast, the cunt, she really fucking blasted me today. Fucking soaked by the end of it, soaked. So, I know it lame by the standards of the swine, but, I not doing any more. Gonna put Genesis on and die.

love Babba x x

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Aug 18th 2005

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Everything I say to Kavus just get me a shitty look and he holds up his finger at me. I said ‘can you help me with dis’? and he said ‘help me with DIS’ and stuck up his middle finger. I don’t get it but I bet it’s rude. It really get on my wick now. He do it all de time. I got really drunk de other night for Elvis’ anniversary. I think I wrote something in this but I don’t remember. Tim made Jim clean up my sick.

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Aug 19th 2005

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Hello. Woke today to the soft tones of sleigh bells an a layer of mist over my bedbox.
As I attempted to spring to life, leaving the hay I bolted forward but before I make the waterhole, an old lady stopped me in my tracks.”but I am naked” I thought and picked up some cloth to cover a bit or two. She tells me, “I think I have found the cure for Titinuss”. AAhh, I thinks. Roll me over Beethoven.
She says, “I know it’s been hard saying bye bye to Englebert Humper,” leans forward and kiss me hard.

Food. Now.

Love Baba xx

Entry 2. There’s no one here… Me here all alone so mischief will occur.

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Aug 20th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. What the fuck has been going on $$ here? I can’t fucking believe it! I really $can not fucking believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Bloody hell. Thing$$s have finally calmed down a bit now, Babba has pppainted everything red with $$$gloss ppppaint and it stinks in here. Even this computer lap sized $thing is pppainted red now and still sticky. I’m surppprised it’s still working at all! I’ve got ppaint all over my nice $$trousers. I thought Tim was going to kill Babba again but then I’m always thinking $that. Bloody hell. Even Tim’s ‘bed’ is red now.

Entry 2. While Tim was $stamppping around shrieking and screaming I sat quietly and thought, and I’ve figured it out! He went round ppainting everything red what actually rhymed with $ “red”! Then got fed up with it obviously! He pppainted Tim’s BED, Jim’s BOILED EGG what he was saving for weeks and his BELOVED. (I’m not at liberty to say what Jim’s beloved is but I’ll bet he’s gone off it now). The last lumpp$$$$$ of BREAD and Mr. Corbin’s bumming SHED, his own HEAD and this compputer lap sized thing because he calls it FRED! (I’ve heard him!) Then when he got fed upp he just spplattered it everywhere. There will be Hell to pppppppay. We are rehearsing tonight. It will $be difficult.

Entry 3. It’s been discovered, Babba’s shameful mischief has! We are all in trouble now and it’s not our fault. We might not be allowed to t our this October now. Tim said we’ll $ have to wait and see.

Jim Smith
Entry 1. Red is danger. Red is anger. Robert needs our helpp. Surly someone will come to his aid. Are his mind cells clogged by a fever not so quickly soothed by silence? $

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Aug 21st 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I’m upp bright and early and I am wearing my exppppensive guitar all ready to rock.

Entry 2. I am fucking f urious! Tim brought in that band $$$$ The Trudy to do some recording! I thought we were rehearsing! It’s not right! He didn’t tell anyone! $Just for that I’m not telling him that my boys Johnny 4 are in from tomorrow.
That’ll show him!

Entry 3. Everything is tacky with this fucking red pppaint everywhere! $

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Aug 22nd 2005

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Had terrible dreams. Got upp. Head all pppainty and stuck. Tim and Kav rolling about shouting fighting and biting and ppulling hair. Got a bad bad headache.

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. It’s a beautiful day! Mixing $Jonny four all week. MENTAL! I like doing them. They are swell. Did some recording with our old drummer’s band ‘The Trudy’ yesterday. That was fun, well, it would have been if it weren’t for Kavus spppoiling the atmos as pper. Kept walking into the control room wearing his stupppid guitar, staring at me then storming out over and over again. We had words this $morning. I didn’t know Jonny Four were coming but I didn’t mind. This seemed to wind Kavus up even more that he was already if that was pppossible. His voice went all high pitched.

Entry 2. I don’t fucking $ believe it! Babba has recorded his stupppppid fucking voice all over our stuff! He’s recorded over most of the fucking drums and everything!!!! Fucking idiot! Fuck knows how he figured out how to do it cos he’s thick as shit! Cunt! I will kill him when he $ $$$ shows himself, fuck knows where he is. All he’s done is sing in a crapp ‘Elvis’ style voice going “I ppainted the town red and then I ppppainted Fred” over and over and over again! We are really in the shit now! I give upppppp. This fucking compputer thing is fucked as well.

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Aug 25th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Mixes going well with my boys “The 4″. I was embarrassed yesterday though when Tim discipplined Babba in front of everyone. This wasn’t right because they are strangers to Babba. God knows where Babba had been pppast few days, he looked bloody awful and didn’t have a shirt on under his jacket and he was all mucky.

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Aug 26th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hey, what a weird mood I’m in. Me and Tim were allowed to go to a gig yesterday on account of Stuffy who drummed with Cardiacs on last year’s Wildhearts tour was ppplaying in both of the bands.
His band Stuffy and The Fuses were supporting Charlotte Hatherly who he drums for as well, in Bristol at The Fleece and Firkin, where Cardiacs have played a few times.

Once we got out of the house and got to the station we were very excited and Tim did a funny walk to make me laugh, the journey was beautiful and we even took a taxi from the station to the gig…and it was just round the corner! We got to the venue and were let in free because they liked Cardiacs.
Stuffy and the fuses were ace, as was Charlotte Hatherly, who was fucking skill. The soundman kept buying us beers because he likes Cardiacs and I became drunk. In the backstage area I rubbed Stuffy’s foot foot which was broken and smashed upp because he was showing off to Tim because he wishes he was in Cardiacs again.

I talked To Charlotte Hatherly about my old band The Monsoon Bassoon and Tim sulked off because he was jealous and she said she liked my badge. We were supposed to get a lift home with Stuffy and the Fuses and Tim was in the van flicking my neck while I made a noise that went “auauauauauauaua”. All of a sudden, after like less that 2 minutes we got a big bollocking off of the keyboard player who said he would throw us out.

The rest of the journey was rotten. Tim whispered to me “Is this what other bands are like?” I thought, you can bloody talk. I was so drunk and giddy that my head spinned up a stormgallop and I really needed a piss but was too scared to ask. After ages they dropped us miles from ‘home’ and Tim said, “It’ll cost us 200 pounds to get home now”. It didn’t, but in the taxi on the was back he pinched me really hard on the arm so that a bruise came up and I gave him a chinese burn. He’s such a wanker sometimes, but he’s doing quite a good job of mixing the Johnny 4 stuff so I’ll let him off, even though there’s a huge bruise there now.

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I wish we hadn’t treated ourselves last night because we treated ourselves last night.

Me and Kavus went out to see a concert by Charlotte Hatherly cos our friend Stuffy drums in them and his group ‘The Fuses’ were supporting as well. It was nice meeting Charlotte, she was charming and kind. Kavus made a fool of himself though because he got drunk and kept on asking her if she liked his badge over and over again and demanding an answer every time. It turned bad on the way home though because we misbehaved in stuffy and the Fuses van who’d promised us a lift back. I stroked Kavus’ neck and that always makes a strange noise come out. The fuses keyboards player said he’d throw us out the van because of it and it was our only way of getting home (if you can call it a home) and stuffy was really nice and helpful even though he’d broken his foot foot as were the other fuses who hadn’t broken their foot foots but this fellow was a prick. I’d like to say he was an asshole but that’s too snazzy a word for a prick.

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Aug 29th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Still mixing Jonny Four but I’ve got an uneasy feeling inside. I’ve felt this before only too often and I think I know what it might be. Bollox!

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. When I was a kid I used to call lemonade Lemonsmaid.

Lemonsmaid.

Lemonsmaid.

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Aug 30th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I knew it! I knew something was up! We are not allowed to do the tour in October playing all the old tunes. ‘They’ have found out about Babba’s “episode” and not only that but they found out that we went out the other night and misbehaved! So that’s it then, all that rehearsing for fucking nothing! 32 fucking tunes and they ain’t fucking easy to play neither. Bollox! Fuck Babba and fuck the ‘Fuses’ fucking keyboards player! I reckon he must have dobbed us in!

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Aint no bugger talking to me. Dunno wot I done this time an I don’t care. They only talk bollocks at me all the time anyhow. I tell all this to fred.
I like fred now,.,, didn’t like it at first,,my fred. My red fred.

September 1st 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. We’ve all been really fed up and haven’t done any more recording and Tim is fed up because of what Babba did to our recordings but then something strange happened. All the girls turned up. They had been told something that we didn’t know and were being all secretive. More than they usually are.

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. The girls all turned up this afternoon in that weird car they all drive around in. All their drums and stuff had been set up earlier by someone when we were asleep. Don’t know who. They all hung around in the outside area smoking fags for ages. When they finally came in everyone was on their best behaviour. The others are all a bit scared of them to tell the truth. I have never ever seen Babba being so polite. I don’t know how I feel about them really, they have this way of making you behave yourself without actually having to say a word.

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September 3rd 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. I found out today that someone who does things like collect Daleks is called a ‘geek’. Babba collects Daleks.
I’m going to tell him this.
I’m going to tell him that he is a geek.

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September 5th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. The girls took us all the way to Dover and left Dawn to take us all the way over to Paris. We were scared at first because we didn’t know what was happening. We were then told that the girls would be playing with us for a bunch of concerts coming up in November. They didn’t tell us this themselves because they never really speak directly to us but Tim got a telegram when we were on the ferry. Dawn took us to a concert and showed us a band called Magma. I think it must be where they get their powers from or something. We were all as good as gold on the ferry.

Timmy Smith
Enrty 1. We’ve just got back from Paris. It was a strange occurrence. I’m not sure what to make of this but we’ve been given different concerts to play coming up in November. We’re not playing the old tunes that we played when we were youngsters after all that trouble. The girls are playing with us on all the dates and I reckon it’s so they can keep their eye on us. Babba was as good as gold on the ferry. Dawn took us. She didn’t sit with us but sat away and watched us all the time and when we got to Paris took us to watch a group called Magma. She didn’t watch the group but watched US watching the group and I found this really un-nerving. I think the group might have hypnotised us. We start rehearsing soon and to tell the truth we’re all a bit scared if that’s the right word.

Jim Smith
Entry 1. A woman is a noble distraction. She may prop up a weak man, even act as his mouthpiece.
She may not be blamed for the weak man’s failings.

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September 9th 2005

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Fuck………wot a fucking bunch of …….,,,prats

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September 10th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Guess what? We had a party and it was AMAZING! The girls were suppose to be here for a rehearsal but they didn’t show up! The CDs of our special Garage concerts turned up so we rejoiced all night and we all had an AMAZING time! It was AMAZING and everyone had THE most brilliant time ever! Jane, our shop girl, took all her cloths off and hobbled round on her broken foot with her hospital crutches. She fell down the stairs.

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Feel sick. I hate this ‘band’.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hey, we had a sort of launch party for The Special Garage Concerts CDs last night and were allowed to sit in the Enchanted Area. We listened to them back and got really drunk and Tim accused me of stealing his ‘baccy’ which I didn’t, then Jim tried to put on some music he likes and I sang along with it so that he thinks I like it too, then Tim disappeared and fell asleep on the ground because he felt left out. Good. Babba went back indoors and put on Genesis and I had to go to bed. The whole thing was horrid, not much of a party I reckon.

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September 13th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. That band ‘The Trudy’ here again. That bloke Pete Tagg who used to drum in Cardiacs millions of years ago has got tiny little wings on his boots boots!

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September 14th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. When are we going to do any more recording for Christ sake. That Babba incident has really thrown things. I keep hearing Tim mumbling ‘what’s the bloody point’ under his breath all the time. Babba’s got to do all his drums again but there’s no batteries left for the walkie-talkie so Tim will have to shout and I really don’t think that would be a good idea right now.

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September 17th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Babba’s skin has had a bad reaction to all that paint he put on his head. He looks awful. The girls turned up for our rehearsal really early. (We are rehearsing today and tomorrow).

Entry 2. We are having a break, I’ve snuk off to write this. It’s so loud in there what with the girls wacking the very life out of them big drums I cant hear myself think. I think everyone is doing ok but it’s hard to tell when the girls are here because everyone is so ‘nice’ to each other, I don’t know why really because the girls don’t seem to give a shit. Although, when Babba swore at his drumstick for snapping Cathy gave him a look that we all felt! It really hurt. Babba was so distressed that he started a nose bleed and the rest of the girls all looked at each other in that weird way that they do. I’d better get back in there.

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. God this is fucking weird. I’ll never get used to it. Melanie keeps on handing out the fags non-stop and it’s like rehearsing in a fucking smoky I don’t know what! She wouldnt give me one and when I plucked up the courage to ask her, she just totally ignored me like I wasn’t even there! Fag after fag after fag to the rest of the girls. In the middle of one of the loud bits the girls all got up and left the room as one. I don’t know what we did to upset them or even if we did upset them but they all left anyway, all at the same time without even looking at each other. It was very strange. We stopped playing but none of us had the courage to go out and see where they had gone.

Entry 2. Everyone is asleep. This diary is just a way of keeping an eye on what we do I’ve figured and I’ve got it sussed. I’ve got YOU sussed who ever is spying on this! All this ain’t never going out onto the inter web thing. It hasn’t yet and we’ve been doing it for nearly a year. To whoever is reading this, I’m sorry. I can’t remember what I’ve written in this but I am so so sorry if I have done bad or offended you or anyone in any way. I don’t mean what I say about the girls. They are doing a wonderful job and we behave much better when they are here and it was very wise of you to send them here. Thank you. I’ll personally make sure the boys behave better as well.

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September 18th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Didn’t sleep last night and feel shit. Tim kept me awake pottering around the place all night. Something weird, I looked out of the gap in the wall to the outside area, it was about 4am, and there they were, the girls, smoking fags and not saying a word.

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September 20th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Fuck knows what Babba’s going to do about his head. His skin is peeling. It makes me feel sick. I think I might pop it. I’m bored.

Entry 2. What a wonderful idea it was having the girls here! We behave ourselves beautifully and are filled with light and joy! They have left now… I think… but their beautiful vibe remains.

Entry 3. Hello?

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September 24th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. It’s really sunny today but Tim broke my sun glasses this morning with a bed (I call my sunglasses ’shades’). Then we had to rehearse. Tim and Babba were talking about something really boring and I asked Tim if this was a band or a Horse-Shit Parade and he said “you’re a horse-shit parade or at least you smell like a horse-shit parade” I said “Good, I’d rather smell like a horse-shit parade than smell like a dog-shit parade because I prefer the smell of a horse-shit parade to the smell of a dog-shit parade” but rudely he’d turned his back on me by the time I could finish what I was saying.

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September 28th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Hello?

October 1st 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Everything was going really well for a change today then it all collapsed. I was in the throws of recording my expensive guitar on a song that’s going to BLEED BLOOD because of it and there was banging and banging and banging on the door. I thought it must be the police or something (probably a complaint about the sheer size of the sound coming out from my expensive axe). It was ‘them’ (that fucking ‘Scaramanga Six’ lot again). They barged in “unannounced” and took the place over again just like last time. I had to stop what I was doing, pack away my expensive guitar (which they didn’t even look at!) and was banished to the outside area in the cold. The studio door was shut in my face and that was that.

Entry 2. I recognised one of them. He plays in that group The Sisters Of Mercy. Unhinged or what? Calls himself “Robo-Christ!” I opened the lid of the case for my expensive guitar so as he could notice it and he just scooped it off the sofa (without closing the lid) and plonked himself down in it’s place and started sneezing. The filthy pig. Posh meals turning up again all day. I had to clear away the scraps (again). Don’t suppose we’ll see Tim for a while. Good.

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October 2nd 2005

Bob Leith
Entry 1. That stupid fucking Kavus bloke am doing it all again hovering and listening outside the control room door like it got nothing better to do and getting on my wick

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. That one with the beard poked me THREE TIMES in the back with that stick what he carries around with him and came up all close to my face and started telling me quite pleasantly about wildlife or something!??!! I didn’t know what he was on about and I pretended to listen but was distracted by what was going on in the studio because he’d left the door ajar! All the others were sitting on the floor like children sticking stickers on envelopes and speaking very nicely to each other (about wildlife as well I could just about make out) but when they spoke to Tim (who was sitting in a chair under the big speakers) they here horrid, especially the woman. A little bell rang and they all stopped what they were doing and got up and the bearded one stopped what he was telling me mid sentence, glared at me for a few moments and went back in closing the door behind him. He had wickedness in his eyes. I wish they would go away. Why did he have to get so close to my face when he spoke to me? I don’t like that.

Entry 2. I just saw something really funny! Tim was in the outside area in the freezing cold banging these big timpani drums and ringing what looked like a big ship’s bell by pulling on a rope with his teeth! I think he’d been crying. There were microphones all around so it must have been for that smelly-manga-six lot. Obviously too cold outside for them to do it themselves. Sounded fucking ace though echoing round the outside area.

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October 6th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. You know how when you feel there is some sort of quiet before a storm, that’s how it feels right now. I don’t know if it’s because that band left a few days back or what? Something doesn’t feel right. But it never does really. Sometimes it does.
It did once.

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Hello?

Entry 2. The paint is still tacky on this computer thing. It was Babba’s fault. He did it. He painted it. He painted it red. It was Babba’s fault.

Entry 3. Jim misbehaved. I corrected him.

Entry 4. Everyone is asleep now.

Entry 5. Everyone is still asleep. I am keeping watch.

Entry 6. Hello?

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October 7th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. Babba is really getting on my wick. He’s either dying or just behaving like a right twat. I can’t seem to avoid him. I think he’s got it in for me because he misses Jon (without a diagonal line through the ‘o’) and feels guilty about the way he treated him when he was in the band. I have started calling this house ‘The Home of Fadeless Distress’. When are we ever going to get to see this diary thing? I’m beginning to wonder if we ever will. I want to know what the others have said about me.

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October 8th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. The girls are here.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. We had a rehearsal today and it was really, really good. Afterwards I suggested the girls give us a lift in that ‘car’ thing of theirs to a pub, a different one that we might be allowed in. Because there wasn’t room in the car, (because they all crammed in there with us), they had to take me and Tim first. Once they dropped us off they went back to get the other two. It was very awkward and we both sat in silence within the pub for a long time without a drink because we had no money. When it became clear that the others weren’t coming, I told Tim how much I enjoyed being in the band and how much I had enjoyed rehearsal. He took it the wrong way as usual and thought I was slagging off Jon Poole (without a diagonal line through the ‘o’) who he is very defensive about. I told him to fuck off loudly and then it turned ugly. Now we’ve been barred from that pub too. We had to walk miles back but I flicked the Vs behind his back all the way home.

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October 9th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Someone came to take some photos of us for some reason. We all had to look our best. I thought we all looked like squander bugs. Kavus kept on shrieking “I wanna be surrounded by chicks..!! I wanna be surrounded by chicks!!” in a really high pitched stupid loud peep. The girls weren’t amused by this one little bit and glared at ME as if it was my fault. Overheard the girls talking about getting “knocked up” before this tour we’re doing in November. Something to do with them all not wanting to be on their periods or something.

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Fuckking sharron. . – – _

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October 10th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I came up with a great chant today (I call it a mantra). I’ve been doing it all day, it goes…

“He’s screwed, dot, side D.A’s office, he’s fucking screwed, dot, side D.A’s office.”
“He’s screwed, dot, side D.A’s office, he’s fucking screwed, dot, side D.A’s office.”
“He’s screwed, dot, side D.A’s office, he’s fucking screwed, dot, side D.A’s office.”

…It really gets on Tim’s nerves. I can’t get into my room at the moment, because the girls seem to have left a lot of boxes in there, I’m looking forward to these gigs in November because I’m going to teach Tom, who is in our crew, the mantra. Then we can chant it together, he likes things like that. Mr. Murder will fucking hate it.

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October 13th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. We’ve got to play live on the bloody radio set on Saturday. How we gonna do that then.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Tim’s got a computer! I didn’t know that! Who gave him that?!! I saw him in his room swearing at it and hitting the top of it! What’s he going to do with that and how long as he had it? He won’t be able to use it! He’s useless!

Entry 2. Nothing.

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October 14th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. We’ve got to be up bright and early in the morning because we are playing live for the BBC on the radio set! We’ve got to make our way all the way up to Manchester. Early night for me then. I’ll make sure that I’m not disturbed by piling up some clattery things outside my room. Everyone will have to tip-toe past my door or else they will knock them all over and make enough noise to wake the dead.

Entry 2. Fucking hell

Entry 3. Fucking bastards

Entry 4. We’ve got to go now! It’s five in the morning and I just want to cry!

Bob Leith
Entry 1. There no llumps of food again we gonna hav to go without and sharron not shut up and going on an on about being in 3 bands like I care but she no stop going on about it all the time an it getting on my wick

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October 15th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. Its late. Just got back from the BBC in Manchester. We all had to cram in this bloody I-don’t-know-what of a vehicle because the girls wouldn’t take us in theirs unless they all came with us and there just wasn’t room. Sharron had to come with us because she was singing on one of the tunes we were doing and kept on and on and on about her belonging to three different bands ALL THE WAY THERE. No one else said a word apart from Babba who whined and whimpered to himself all the way without ever stopping once it was horrible. When we got there it was obvious that Tim was shit scared because he bit through his lip and it was all bloody and THEN he went and spoilt it all by telling everyone he was scared ON AIR! He was horrible to me when we were setting up our gear in this tiny studio. He kept on pulling my wires out every time I plugged them in and I caught him tipping some water into the back of my Marshall amp. Something fucking beautiful happened though! We were playing that song “Stoneage Dinosaurs” and Tim who’d been fumbling around in his pockets for ages, brought out a little model he’d made out of matchsticks! It was of ME! I was playing the guitar solo bit and the model looked so much like me it distracted me at first but it was so wonderful that I showed my appreciation by playing the highest note my expensive guitar can reach and we all rejoiced! It might have sounded odd but it captured the moment I think! Then we all sang in unison. It was a truly magical fantastic moment!

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October 16th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Tired. No lumps of food anywhere for a change. Not one. Marc Riley the DJ on BBC is a really really nice fella. I made a model of Kavus out of some wire and some sticks. I just found it all smashed up. Babba did it.

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October 17th 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Our new interweb computer site is suppose to go ‘on air’ today. I bet it wont. It’ll have this diary in it I spose if it wasn’t a sham. At least I’ll know. If it’s not up there I will refuse to write in it again. I’m not being spied on. Fuck em. Our garage concerts come out today as well. Bloody budgie on the front. I wonder what happened to him? I’ve got to go to Mary’s in town to answer a load of questions sent in by our loyal fans. No idea how I’m spose to get there. It’s a good three or four hours walk.

Entry 2. Bloody hell. Now I know what is going on! I’ve just got back from Mary’s. Now I know you are all listening! Reading this fucking Tommy Rot! YOU with nothing better to do! Want to know what I’m wearing? Well I’m not going to tell you! See how you like that! This’ll probably get censored anyway like most of what I know I put in this fucking abomination has been! I cant believe they’ve put all this stuff up! Fucking Kavus! “my expensive guitar my expensive guitar my expensive guitar my expensive guitar” fuck sake! Flicking the “Vs” behind my back indeed. He didn’t do that at all the other night! He just trotted in front of me whining all the way back about something or other I dunno and what the fuck is Jim on about? I didn’t even know the bloke could write! I’ve just got back from Mary’s and I’m fucking furious! She showed me the interweb computer site thing wot your on now obviously. The others don’t know nothing yet. I’m gonna have some fucking fun with this! Watch this fucking space! FUCK!

Entry 3. Right, I just tipped a whole load of muck inside Kavus ‘expensive guitar’. I have told him I have improved it. Lets see what he has to write about that!
It’s totally ruined by the way.

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October 18th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. Our special Garage albums are available for our loyal fans to buy now. I cant wait to find out what they think of my cool axe-work! Babba’s been a nightmare all day again.

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October 19th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I can’t find where this terrible smell is coming from. It’s not Babba. I’m suspicious today because Tim is being really nice to me. I’m being really nice back but not meaning it. He fixed up my expensive guitar for me. He doesn’t do things like that normally. I’m keeping my eye on him. It does play a lot better now though and sounds even better than before if that was possible! He’s put some weights in it to make it sound ‘heavier’. Babba’s got to do ‘voluntary’ work tomorrow in a park!

Entry 2. I’ve got a horrible feeling Babba’s done a shit somewhere in the corridor.

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Hello “loyal fans”. I’m gonna go back to Mary’s tomorrow and look at the rest of this “computer site” thing. For starters I want to see just how pissed off Kavus is about his guitar because he’s been his “usual self” the past while and talking ten to the dozen. ‘White Falcon’? more like a ‘Brown Falcon’ the noo. It’s so fucked up and weighs a fucking ton now. See how he likes using what now must be a ‘cheap guitar’. I’m not going to let the others know that you lot can read what they are adding to this fucked up diary bollox.

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October 20th 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Off Babba goes, off to be a parkie for a day. I wonder what he did. The police made him go. Tim’s off somewhere as well. He just left and slammed the door so loud I heard Jim stir. I don’t like being left here with just Jim, I never know what to say. I chatter away anyway but he just looks at the ground which makes me nervous so I keep on chattering on but he’ll just get up and wander off or something. I hate it here and something rotten stinks to High Heaven!

Entry 2. I just noticed. Tim has gone out without any shoes or socks on. They are here still. (he’s only got one pair of each).

Entry 3. Bored bored bored bored BORED!

Bob Leith
Entry 1. Dear Fred, I have had the most perfect day! A really really lovely day. I opened the park at 7 o clock and let in the lady with the dog with arthritis. Lovely dog. She’s ok too. Then more ladies with their dogs. One, called Nell (not th dog) has 2 and she sometimes pushes one in a push chair cos it old an deaf. I am old and deaf. Then like all dogs in the park as lovely as it is when sky is blue even bluer now th leaves asr falling from th treees early this year too because they all fucked up an think its winter. In the afternoon at some point I had my bobble hat and headphones buried deep in my big lugs going over and over that bit in to go off and things some ear protectors and a big blower to blow the leaves away and a pretty girl in the background lifts her camera so I look away because she’s pretty but when I look back she pointing it again so I made my body look like Elvis and my blower was something else and she took a picture raised a thumb and fucked off. Then I took an awful lot of flowers off a lorry and
talked with the boys. I don’t mean Kavus. He’s not in my day today. I ran (faster than I should for me) and fell down the stairs at the railway station sweating like a really good looking man and then took up a skip to
make up for it and skipped all the way back to MY home singing “aah Biko, Biko because Biko-aaah Biko, Biko bicause Biko- EELAMODJA!! EELAMODJA!! The man is dead! The man is dead!” Oska my little son stood at the door shaking his blonde head saying “daddy I don’t like it when you do that” he says.
Then I had to come back here. It took ages.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 4. Hi, got woken up by Babba coming in late. I got dressed and crept down to see what was going on and peeked through the crack in the wall and saw him sniffing around. Well, if it was him who left a shameful lump of smell lying around he’s forgotten where he left it obviously. He then sat at this computer thing for about 3 hours! What could Babba have been writing? He’s gone to bed now. Jim went to bed hours and hours ago. Tim’s still out somewhere, shall I wait up for him? Yes, I’ll wait up for him. He’d like that. He likes a chat.

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October 21st 2005

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Tim is a big selfish bastard. I’ve had no sleep. I made a list of all the things I was going to chat to him about and he didn’t even have the decency to show up!

My list…

1/ isnt it funny how when I play the guitar it always sounds a bit better than yours.
2/ isnt it funny how when Babba sings to himself it’s always really loud.
3/ isnt it funny how when Babba drums on his drumset he always looks like he’s in terrible pain.
4/ isnt it funny how when I do a scissor kick when I play my expensive guitar.
5/ isnt it funny how when I play a chord it’s always in time.
6/ isnt it funny how when I make a joke it’s nearly always funny.
7/ isnt it funny how when I take

…Tim’s back! He just slammed his way in through the door. I’m going to pretend not to be here.

Entry 2. Tim’s in a right shitty! He slammed around and went straight to bed. It’s 7am.

Entry 3. I just found two torn up wet paper bags! He must have had them on his feet! Ha ha ha ha!

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October 22nd 2005

Timmy Smith
Entry 1. That fucking dick head hasn’t even noticed what I’ve done to his stupid guitar and I don’t know why I even fucking bother! Just shows you what he knows about guitars don’t it! I’ll have to do something more drastic.

Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Babba fucking Leith had totally fucked my expensive axe! Fucking totally fucking trashed it up! He is going to fucking pay for this!! He’s not here obviously the coward! I am fucking heartbroken! At least I’ve found out where that fucking dreadful stench was coming from! It was my lovely expensive White Falcon guitar!!! All full of dreadful mess! Jim will have to sort it all out for me. I just want to cry. And we’re rehearsing today as well! The girls will be here and everything and I will look a fool. I am not going to write anymore in this thing. I am too upset.

Entry 2. Everything is ok. Jim fixed it. It wasn’t Babba. It was Tim. He made it look like it was Babba who did it. I’m going to give Tim a big hug when I see him. Show him there’s no hard feelings. And I’m going to ask Mary to cut off all my long hair.

Timmy Smith
Entry 2. That’s it. I’m signing out of this “diary”. You lot ain’t gonna hear from me again I reckon. In fact I’m gonna hide it so that no fucker can write in it. You reading this Alphabet? Wanna know if I care? Pull the tour! Go on! Come take our master tapes away as per fucking usual! See if I fucking care!!

FUCK YOU!!!!!!