October 1st 2005
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Everything was going really well for a change today then it all collapsed. I was in the throws of recording my expensive guitar on a song that’s going to BLEED BLOOD because of it and there was banging and banging and banging on the door. I thought it must be the police or something (probably a complaint about the sheer size of the sound coming out from my expensive axe). It was ‘them’ (that fucking ‘Scaramanga Six’ lot again). They barged in "unannounced" and took the place over again just like last time. I had to stop what I was doing, pack away my expensive guitar (which they didn’t even look at!) and was banished to the outside area in the cold. The studio door was shut in my face and that was that.
Entry 2. I recognised one of them. He plays in that group The Sisters Of Mercy. Unhinged or what? Calls himself "Robo-Christ!" I opened the lid of the case for my expensive guitar so as he could notice it and he just scooped it off the sofa (without closing the lid) and plonked himself down in it’s place and started sneezing. The filthy pig. Posh meals turning up again all day. I had to clear away the scraps (again). Don’t suppose we’ll see Tim for a while. Good.
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October 2nd 2005
Bob Leith
Entry 1. That stupid fucking Kavus bloke am doing it all again hovering and listening outside the control room door like it got nothing better to do and getting on my wick
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. That one with the beard poked me THREE TIMES in the back with that stick what he carries around with him and came up all close to my face and started telling me quite pleasantly about wildlife or something!??!! I didn’t know what he was on about and I pretended to listen but was distracted by what was going on in the studio because he’d left the door ajar! All the others were sitting on the floor like children sticking stickers on envelopes and speaking very nicely to each other (about wildlife as well I could just about make out) but when they spoke to Tim (who was sitting in a chair under the big speakers) they here horrid, especially the woman. A little bell rang and they all stopped what they were doing and got up and the bearded one stopped what he was telling me mid sentence, glared at me for a few moments and went back in closing the door behind him. He had wickedness in his eyes. I wish they would go away. Why did he have to get so close to my face when he spoke to me? I don’t like that.
Entry 2. I just saw something really funny! Tim was in the outside area in the freezing cold banging these big timpani drums and ringing what looked like a big ship’s bell by pulling on a rope with his teeth! I think he’d been crying. There were microphones all around so it must have been for that smelly-manga-six lot. Obviously too cold outside for them to do it themselves. Sounded fucking ace though echoing round the outside area.
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October 6th 2005
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. You know how when you feel there is some sort of quiet before a storm, that’s how it feels right now. I don’t know if it’s because that band left a few days back or what? Something doesn’t feel right. But it never does really. Sometimes it does.
It did once.
Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Hello?
Entry 2. The paint is still tacky on this computer thing. It was Babba’s fault. He did it. He painted it. He painted it red. It was Babba’s fault.
Entry 3. Jim misbehaved. I corrected him.
Entry 4. Everyone is asleep now.
Entry 5. Everyone is still asleep. I am keeping watch.
Entry 6. Hello?
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October 7th 2005
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. Babba is really getting on my wick. He’s either dying or just behaving like a right twat. I can’t seem to avoid him. I think he’s got it in for me because he misses Jon (without a diagonal line through the ‘o’) and feels guilty about the way he treated him when he was in the band. I have started calling this house ‘The Home of Fadeless Distress’. When are we ever going to get to see this diary thing? I’m beginning to wonder if we ever will. I want to know what the others have said about me.
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October 8th 2005
Timmy Smith
Entry 1. The girls are here.
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. We had a rehearsal today and it was really, really good. Afterwards I suggested the girls give us a lift in that ‘car’ thing of theirs to a pub, a different one that we might be allowed in. Because there wasn’t room in the car, (because they all crammed in there with us), they had to take me and Tim first. Once they dropped us off they went back to get the other two. It was very awkward and we both sat in silence within the pub for a long time without a drink because we had no money. When it became clear that the others weren’t coming, I told Tim how much I enjoyed being in the band and how much I had enjoyed rehearsal. He took it the wrong way as usual and thought I was slagging off Jon Poole (without a diagonal line through the ‘o’) who he is very defensive about. I told him to fuck off loudly and then it turned ugly. Now we’ve been barred from that pub too. We had to walk miles back but I flicked the Vs behind his back all the way home.
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October 9th 2005
Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Someone came to take some photos of us for some reason. We all had to look our best. I thought we all looked like squander bugs. Kavus kept on shrieking "I wanna be surrounded by chicks..!! I wanna be surrounded by chicks!!" in a really high pitched stupid loud peep. The girls weren’t amused by this one little bit and glared at ME as if it was my fault. Overheard the girls talking about getting "knocked up" before this tour we’re doing in November. Something to do with them all not wanting to be on their periods or something.
Bob Leith
Entry 1. Fuckking sharron. . – - _
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October 10th 2005
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I came up with a great chant today (I call it a mantra). I’ve been doing it all day, it goes…
"He’s screwed, dot, side D.A’s office, he’s fucking screwed, dot, side D.A’s office."
"He’s screwed, dot, side D.A’s office, he’s fucking screwed, dot, side D.A’s office."
"He’s screwed, dot, side D.A’s office, he’s fucking screwed, dot, side D.A’s office."
…It really gets on Tim’s nerves. I can’t get into my room at the moment, because the girls seem to have left a lot of boxes in there, I’m looking forward to these gigs in November because I’m going to teach Tom, who is in our crew, the mantra. Then we can chant it together, he likes things like that. Mr. Murder will fucking hate it.
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October 13th 2005
Timmy Smith
Entry 1. We’ve got to play live on the bloody radio set on Saturday. How we gonna do that then.
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Tim’s got a computer! I didn’t know that! Who gave him that?!! I saw him in his room swearing at it and hitting the top of it! What’s he going to do with that and how long as he had it? He won’t be able to use it! He’s useless!
Entry 2. Nothing.
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October 14th 2005
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. We’ve got to be up bright and early in the morning because we are playing live for the BBC on the radio set! We’ve got to make our way all the way up to Manchester. Early night for me then. I’ll make sure that I’m not disturbed by piling up some clattery things outside my room. Everyone will have to tip-toe past my door or else they will knock them all over and make enough noise to wake the dead.
Entry 2. Fucking hell
Entry 3. Fucking bastards
Entry 4. We’ve got to go now! It’s five in the morning and I just want to cry!
Bob Leith
Entry 1. There no llumps of food again we gonna hav to go without and sharron not shut up and going on an on about being in 3 bands like I care but she no stop going on about it all the time an it getting on my wick
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October 15th 2005
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. Its late. Just got back from the BBC in Manchester. We all had to cram in this bloody I-don’t-know-what of a vehicle because the girls wouldn’t take us in theirs unless they all came with us and there just wasn’t room. Sharron had to come with us because she was singing on one of the tunes we were doing and kept on and on and on about her belonging to three different bands ALL THE WAY THERE. No one else said a word apart from Babba who whined and whimpered to himself all the way without ever stopping once it was horrible. When we got there it was obvious that Tim was shit scared because he bit through his lip and it was all bloody and THEN he went and spoilt it all by telling everyone he was scared ON AIR! He was horrible to me when we were setting up our gear in this tiny studio. He kept on pulling my wires out every time I plugged them in and I caught him tipping some water into the back of my Marshall amp. Something fucking beautiful happened though! We were playing that song "Stoneage Dinosaurs" and Tim who’d been fumbling around in his pockets for ages, brought out a little model he’d made out of matchsticks! It was of ME! I was playing the guitar solo bit and the model looked so much like me it distracted me at first but it was so wonderful that I showed my appreciation by playing the highest note my expensive guitar can reach and we all rejoiced! It might have sounded odd but it captured the moment I think! Then we all sang in unison. It was a truly magical fantastic moment!
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October 16th 2005
Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Tired. No lumps of food anywhere for a change. Not one. Marc Riley the DJ on BBC is a really really nice fella. I made a model of Kavus out of some wire and some sticks. I just found it all smashed up. Babba did it.
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October 17th 2005
Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Our new interweb computer site is suppose to go ‘on air’ today. I bet it wont. It’ll have this diary in it I spose if it wasn’t a sham. At least I’ll know. If it’s not up there I will refuse to write in it again. I’m not being spied on. Fuck em. Our garage concerts come out today as well. Bloody budgie on the front. I wonder what happened to him? I’ve got to go to Mary’s in town to answer a load of questions sent in by our loyal fans. No idea how I’m spose to get there. It’s a good three or four hours walk.
Entry 2. Bloody hell. Now I know what is going on! I’ve just got back from Mary’s. Now I know you are all listening! Reading this fucking Tommy Rot! YOU with nothing better to do! Want to know what I’m wearing? Well I’m not going to tell you! See how you like that! This’ll probably get censored anyway like most of what I know I put in this fucking abomination has been! I cant believe they’ve put all this stuff up! Fucking Kavus! "my expensive guitar my expensive guitar my expensive guitar my expensive guitar" fuck sake! Flicking the "Vs" behind my back indeed. He didn’t do that at all the other night! He just trotted in front of me whining all the way back about something or other I dunno and what the fuck is Jim on about? I didn’t even know the bloke could write! I’ve just got back from Mary’s and I’m fucking furious! She showed me the interweb computer site thing wot your on now obviously. The others don’t know nothing yet. I’m gonna have some fucking fun with this! Watch this fucking space! FUCK!
Entry 3. Right, I just tipped a whole load of muck inside Kavus ‘expensive guitar’. I have told him I have improved it. Lets see what he has to write about that!
It’s totally ruined by the way.
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October 18th 2005
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Hi. Our special Garage albums are available for our loyal fans to buy now. I cant wait to find out what they think of my cool axe-work! Babba’s been a nightmare all day again.
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October 19th 2005
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. I can’t find where this terrible smell is coming from. It’s not Babba. I’m suspicious today because Tim is being really nice to me. I’m being really nice back but not meaning it. He fixed up my expensive guitar for me. He doesn’t do things like that normally. I’m keeping my eye on him. It does play a lot better now though and sounds even better than before if that was possible! He’s put some weights in it to make it sound ‘heavier’. Babba’s got to do ‘voluntary’ work tomorrow in a park!
Entry 2. I’ve got a horrible feeling Babba’s done a shit somewhere in the corridor.
Timmy Smith
Entry 1. Hello "loyal fans". I’m gonna go back to Mary’s tomorrow and look at the rest of this "computer site" thing. For starters I want to see just how pissed off Kavus is about his guitar because he’s been his "usual self" the past while and talking ten to the dozen. ‘White Falcon’? more like a ‘Brown Falcon’ the noo. It’s so fucked up and weighs a fucking ton now. See how he likes using what now must be a ‘cheap guitar’. I’m not going to let the others know that you lot can read what they are adding to this fucked up diary bollox.
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October 20th 2005
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Off Babba goes, off to be a parkie for a day. I wonder what he did. The police made him go. Tim’s off somewhere as well. He just left and slammed the door so loud I heard Jim stir. I don’t like being left here with just Jim, I never know what to say. I chatter away anyway but he just looks at the ground which makes me nervous so I keep on chattering on but he’ll just get up and wander off or something. I hate it here and something rotten stinks to High Heaven!
Entry 2. I just noticed. Tim has gone out without any shoes or socks on. They are here still. (he’s only got one pair of each).
Entry 3. Bored bored bored bored BORED!
Bob Leith
Entry 1. Dear Fred, I have had the most perfect day! A really really lovely day. I opened the park at 7 o clock and let in the lady with the dog with arthritis. Lovely dog. She’s ok too. Then more ladies with their dogs. One, called Nell (not th dog) has 2 and she sometimes pushes one in a push chair cos it old an deaf. I am old and deaf. Then like all dogs in the park as lovely as it is when sky is blue even bluer now th leaves asr falling from th treees early this year too because they all fucked up an think its winter. In the afternoon at some point I had my bobble hat and headphones buried deep in my big lugs going over and over that bit in to go off and things some ear protectors and a big blower to blow the leaves away and a pretty girl in the background lifts her camera so I look away because she’s pretty but when I look back she pointing it again so I made my body look like Elvis and my blower was something else and she took a picture raised a thumb and fucked off. Then I took an awful lot of flowers off a lorry and
talked with the boys. I don’t mean Kavus. He’s not in my day today. I ran (faster than I should for me) and fell down the stairs at the railway station sweating like a really good looking man and then took up a skip to
make up for it and skipped all the way back to MY home singing "aah Biko, Biko because Biko-aaah Biko, Biko bicause Biko- EELAMODJA!! EELAMODJA!! The man is dead! The man is dead!" Oska my little son stood at the door shaking his blonde head saying "daddy I don’t like it when you do that" he says.
Then I had to come back here. It took ages.
Kavus Torabi
Entry 4. Hi, got woken up by Babba coming in late. I got dressed and crept down to see what was going on and peeked through the crack in the wall and saw him sniffing around. Well, if it was him who left a shameful lump of smell lying around he’s forgotten where he left it obviously. He then sat at this computer thing for about 3 hours! What could Babba have been writing? He’s gone to bed now. Jim went to bed hours and hours ago. Tim’s still out somewhere, shall I wait up for him? Yes, I’ll wait up for him. He’d like that. He likes a chat.
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October 21st 2005
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Tim is a big selfish bastard. I’ve had no sleep. I made a list of all the things I was going to chat to him about and he didn’t even have the decency to show up!
My list…
1/ isnt it funny how when I play the guitar it always sounds a bit better than yours.
2/ isnt it funny how when Babba sings to himself it’s always really loud.
3/ isnt it funny how when Babba drums on his drumset he always looks like he’s in terrible pain.
4/ isnt it funny how when I do a scissor kick when I play my expensive guitar.
5/ isnt it funny how when I play a chord it’s always in time.
6/ isnt it funny how when I make a joke it’s nearly always funny.
7/ isnt it funny how when I take
…Tim’s back! He just slammed his way in through the door. I’m going to pretend not to be here.
Entry 2. Tim’s in a right shitty! He slammed around and went straight to bed. It’s 7am.
Entry 3. I just found two torn up wet paper bags! He must have had them on his feet! Ha ha ha ha!
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October 22nd 2005
Timmy Smith
Entry 1. That fucking dick head hasn’t even noticed what I’ve done to his stupid guitar and I don’t know why I even fucking bother! Just shows you what he knows about guitars don’t it! I’ll have to do something more drastic.
Kavus Torabi
Entry 1. Babba fucking Leith had totally fucked my expensive axe! Fucking totally fucking trashed it up! He is going to fucking pay for this!! He’s not here obviously the coward! I am fucking heartbroken! At least I’ve found out where that fucking dreadful stench was coming from! It was my lovely expensive White Falcon guitar!!! All full of dreadful mess! Jim will have to sort it all out for me. I just want to cry. And we’re rehearsing today as well! The girls will be here and everything and I will look a fool. I am not going to write anymore in this thing. I am too upset.
Entry 2. Everything is ok. Jim fixed it. It wasn’t Babba. It was Tim. He made it look like it was Babba who did it. I’m going to give Tim a big hug when I see him. Show him there’s no hard feelings. And I’m going to ask Mary to cut off all my long hair.
Timmy Smith
Entry 2. That’s it. I’m signing out of this "diary". You lot ain’t gonna hear from me again I reckon. In fact I’m gonna hide it so that no fucker can write in it. You reading this Alphabet? Wanna know if I care? Pull the tour! Go on! Come take our master tapes away as per fucking usual! See if I fucking care!!
FUCK YOU!!!!!!