Testimonial 46

It was a night in 1988 and I was around my friend’s house. He wasn’t right so I beat him, as I beat him on numerous occasions. He screamed and cried, but I just laughed at him and told him he was stupid. The man in the radio announced that they had a session by something called Cardiacs, but that just made me beat my friend even more. But, when the cacophonic noise of Cardiacs emitted from the speakers, I stopped and smiled. I had found my way at last. My friend crawled away into a dark corner and whimpered to himself. About three songs they played, and no matter how much I shook the music box, the man in the radio refused to play any more. Bastard!

I spent the rest of my life up until now looking for sonic pleasure in the form of black and shiny discs, but nobody else could see things the way I did. But, they’re all heathen scum anyway. I approached a man in a record shop looking for ‘Too Many Irons In The Fire’ and he said he didn’t have it.

But, he was a liar! It was there and I showed it to him. He gave me a look of shock and died. I laughed at his still form and ran away. I now have nearly everything and am contented.

I went to the Clarendon Ballroom in Hammersmith to get my first look at the entity known as Cardiacs. There they were, like twisted puppets on the big stage. I picked out the one known as Tim and stared. Do you know what I did? I called him a big wanker! And, then everyone called him a big wanker! And, he loved every minute of it! I think it made him cry with happiness. I fell in love with Sarah, but she spurned me and disappeared. I have seen them many times since, and I still call Tim a big wanker!

Nowadays, I am a shrivelled husk deprived of any more new tunes. But, Cardiacs are about to sing again and I will once again be a big, beautiful butterfly! All will be good with the world again.

Carl Thomas
 
 
Testimonial 47 
 
As I write this I am sat in my living room listening to Sing to God for what must be the billionth time by now. I am but a young boy of 16 whos mind is fast expanding thanks to music like Mr Bungle and of course Cardiacs.

I first heard about them when I went to see a band called Mumrah (who are well worth checking out) and I had a little chat with the singer after their set. We talked about Mr Bungle and Frank Zappa at length and then he said something which I now realise was the point of no return. "Have you heard of a band called Cardiacs?" "No!" I said in my naieve way, unknowing of the joy they would bring to my life. "Go home and download everything they’ve ever done. NOW, GO NOW!!" he shouted at me. I laughed and stayed for the rest of the gig. When I got home I looked them up on the internet and found the sampler CD page.

With a sense of excitement and confusion, I put on "Is This the Life" To be honest, I was a little disapointed. Sure it was good, but it wasn’t the life changing expirience I had expected it to be. Lulled into a false sense of security, I put on "Angleworm Angel". OH MY GOD. The sound that exploded out of my speakers and into my unprepared brain terrifyed me to the very core of my being. What was going on? Where was I? WHO was I? All logic and reason had been abandoned. On went "Burn Your House Brown" and my jaw met the floor. It wasn’t for a good hour later that it was reunited with the rest of my head. I was giddy. What had just happened?

A few months later I saw Mumrah again and I hugged Ian (the singer) for showing me this band. He laughed and asked if I had any complete albums. "No!" I said again in my childish way. "Kid, you aint heard NOTHING yet" he said.

I now have pretty much all the Cardiacs albums and it is safe to say that my brain has been irreversably. "The Duck and Roger the Horse" made me cry in terror, "Fiery Gun Hand" makes me whirl around my room with the energy of a man possesed, "R.E.S." makes me confused still.

I have a ticket to see the Astoria show in November of this year. I fear I am not prepared to see Cardiacs live at the tender age of 16.

Andrew law
 
 
Testimonial 48 
 
Testimonial from a Yankie.

I suppose it’s high time I add my testimonial to the list.

In the year 2002 I was a junior studying Spanish at the University of Iowa in the unpretentious Midwest region of the United States. I happened to be (and still am, for that matter) in a band called Genital Hercules, writing and playing crazy rock music with heavy influences from Frank Zappa and Devo.

One day the singer arrived for a rehearsal and immediately directed me to go to my computer and download an mp3 called ‘Angleworm Angel’ by a group called Cardiacs. I listened with my mouth agape, transfixed to this wonderful sound for which I had been unknowingly searching all my life. "However did you find this?", I asked. "Just by chance", he said. I think it was fate.

I immediately started scouring the Net for anything I could find by this band. I was able to order, at great expense, an imported copy of the Sing to God double album; and upon listening to it for the first time (of very many to come), I was delighted to find out that the brilliance I heard in ‘Angleworm Angel’ was not a fluke. I listened to Sing to God very loud every day for two weeks.

It just so happened that I spent the four months at the end of 2002 studying in Spain, where I would play ‘Fiery Gun Hand’ for anybody willing to listen. When I found out that them Cardiacs were to play the Astoria in London on the 15th of November of that year, I booked passage there immediately. It was my first trip to the U.K., and it was without exaggeration the best concert I have ever seen. I spent a fortune acquiring every Cardiacs disc I could find, and returned to Spain and eventually back to the United States a very happy and profoundly changed individual. After debating with myself at length as to whether there was any sense in traveling from the United States to the U.K. for a rock concert, I made the right decision and returned for the 2003 Garage gigs, and in less than a month I’ll be there again for the 2005 Astoria show (with two of my bandmates joining me this time).

Being a Cardiacs fan in the United States is a rather lonely feeling. I talk about them to anybody who will listen, but I win few converts. That’s okay, though. ‘Anything I Can’t Eat’ has become one of Genital Hercules’ favorite covers to play live, so we are doing our part to spread the word a bit (I’d like to learn ‘Ideal’ next). Cardiacs’ music, to me, is about pure, unfettered joy, and it makes me feel things that almost no other music in the world can match. Bless you, Cardiacs, for you have made my time on this earth much happier. Oh, and Tim, thanks to you especially for changing my songwriting for the better.

Max Crowe
 
 
Testimonial 49  
 
Listen,

It was all those years ago (?1986/87). I was a Gothling watching the Tube and, who should come on but the Cardiacs? It was Tarred and Feathered and all. "Oh my Goodness", I cried to myself. The following Sunday I sat crouched over my VCR for the repeat and taped it. I made everyone I know watch it and no-one liked it much except my DAD.

Some months later I went to college in the London. I saw that them Cardiacs were to play at Feet First (a club) in Camden Town and my dear friend Grovel and I had freebie tickets. I said to him. "We must attend." Gamely he trolled along with me (I think Top Hat Liz may have been there too) and an incredible euphoria suffused our young booze-addled bods as Cardiacs took to the stage. I had seen a number of bands at this time (mostly Goth stuff) but none could have even dreamt of kissing the dusty cuffs of the Cardiacs military trousers. Melancholy, humour, insanity, incredible pop hooks woven into songs of odd construct. I then bought everything I could by Cardiacs on vinyl, wax cylinder et al.

Many moons passed and in the Nineties I saw that the Cardiacs back catalogue was to be re-issued on CD. Such happiness. Then came Sing to God. I purchased this with hands a-tremble - could they still have that magic touch? My trepidation was unfounded. It is truly one of the greatest albums ever recorded by a humans. My lady, "A" was entirely seduced by this too and clearly I remember a week in Derbyshire driving round tiny lanes "o’er peak, o’er dale" with Manhoo et al blaring out - big sunny smiles on faces. Dirty Boy became anthem for me, yes.

Time passed and then I heard that Cardiacs would be playing at the Astoria one bleak Nov (was it Oct?) evening. A, our son "Jane" and I attended. Due to a taxi f**kup we were late arriving and did not see Oceansize (who have since become a marvellous part of my life) but arrived just as the Cardiacs took to the stage. A was astonished to see me charge wily-nilly to the very front (I’m no spring chicken you know). It was one of the most exceptional performances I have EVER had the pleasure to witness (?participate in?). We went home in a state of huge excitement. I ended up in Casualty the day after as I damaged my wrist breakdancing inexpertly at Jane’s house after the gig such was my uncontrollable delight, y’see.

If the Kinks, Buzzcocks, Henry Cow/Art Bears & Magma had rehearsed together for a one hundred years, they might just possibly hope to approximate the unstable and unbridled genius of Cardiacs.

I love Cardiacs. There is nothing like them. They are jolly nice fellas as well, too.

I really do love them Cardiacs, see?

"Dad"
 
 
Testimonial 50
 
The cover of the Big Ship mini album just used to make me feel sick, the video Seaside Treats gave me a bit of a headache. I know what your thinking, how on earth is this the way to start a testimonial on the most beautiful noise on the planet? Well, read on.

You see my first contact with Cardiacs was when my brother discovered them in about 1987 or 1988, this would make me about 13 or 14 and as yet I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to listen to people who looked like they wet themselves for the feeling of warmth. In fact, as I remember, my brother would play me Seaside Treats just because he knew I wouldn’t like it.

But things change. In 1990 there was a spare ticket to go to the Maresnest recording in Salisbury, and so I decided to give it a go, not really knowing what to expect and, if I’m honest, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t like it. I went with my big brother (who I thank a million times, thank you Sean) on the special bus (special as in good, not as in ’special school’).

I walked in feeling slightly dubious and walked out converted, not something that had happened to me in a church before. From the first moment I knew that I’d seen something that was going to be very important to me and the rest of that summer was spent listening to as much as I could, going to gig after gig and building a healthy obsession.

After a while I started being so immersed that I would go to charity shops and buy velvet jackets, cover them in braids and epaulettes in a sort of Consultant sort of way, looking back this might have been a tad over the top, but I was 16 and I thought it was a good idea at the time. I started trying to be a sort of half-hearted groupie and hung about trying to meet them, which I eventually did. The groupie part didn’t really work though, I ended up being mates with Jon Poole (who had just joined at that point), which then ended up with living with him for a couple of years. Through Jon I also had the joy of seeing Ad Nauseam (Jon and Bob’s old band) and later worked for the Alphabet Business Concern as one of Cardiacs ‘Little Shop Girls’.

Being on the shop meant that I could travel and see gigs all over the place, I worked on the 1995 tour and learned that 30 days of cheese and onion pasties and ‘Little Chef’ breakfasts can be hard on a girl’s digestive system. Being able to hear Cardiacs night after night was heaven though and I would love to do it all over again. It was exhausting but amazing.

Fifteen years on I’m still in love with the music, still going to gigs and feeling just as excited as I did the first time.

Cardiacs. Hooray.

Love, Light and Life,

Lucy Cooke.